Happy

I feel like I was happy as a child. But that might be a lie, 
Because I don’t remember a time when I was happy for a long while. 
Memories of no friends, or being left out are rented out in my mind. 
I wish I could go back to a simpler time. 
Maybe I wasn’t as happy as I care to remember but life was easier,
Less stressful to bear, so maybe I could be happier back there. 

Tears that aren’t shed are the heaviest to bear, 
Because letting the feeling out is better than concealing
The fear is that the unhappiness is building.
When you can’t cry, but you feel the need, 
It makes you feel a need to scream,
But in times like these I need to remind myself to breathe.

Some nights are spent looking up at a ceiling while others are spent fast asleep,
It can be hard to cope when your brain won’t shut off.
But when it shuts off too long the result isn’t ideal either. 
Maybe I could go to bed at normal times,
Keep the urge to sleep away my life at bay,
But the tiredness would still have room to stay.

My body can’t function to keep me from pain, 
It starts with aches of places, too many to name.
It ends with sharp pains wherever it can be 
Yet my body doesn’t know it’s not good for me. 
The pounding of my head is the worst,
As it makes my brain feel like it’s cursed

Maybe happiness was not something within my reach,
For it is not something that most teach.
I hope for a time I can be happy, 
But with the childhood in my past 
I don’t think I’ll get so lucky.